Stretched

What does it mean to be stretched?

We know what it literally means, such as stretching a rubber band.  You pull on the rubber band and the tension on it increases, causing it to lengthen, until it reaches its breaking point and then snaps.  But what does it mean to be emotionally, spiritually, or mentally stretched?

I think that the tension is still there, it causes you to "stretch" in the sense of reaching to areas you typically wouldn't go to, but instead of snapping and simply breaking, I would say it actually builds someone up or helps them to grow.  In summary, that is kind of how I feel after living in California for almost 3 months. I'm really being stretched in many ways.  I'll try to describe just a few of those ways.

1.  I'm being stretched spiritually.  After leaving college, the amount of spiritual accountability and fellowship I've had has been tremendously different.  At UM, there was always something related to AIV going on. I could pretty much count on at least 3 or 4 days out of the 7 during the week, I would be having some sort of fellowship.  That's in addition to living with other Christian guys in my house.  Here in California, there's been much less. At first it was just once a week, at church, and I barely knew anyone.  Recently it has become twice a week, as I've joined the singles career fellowship and started to attend their weekly Friday night times of fellowship.  Hopefully soon they will be starting small groups for new people in the church (sometime in October) that I'll be able to join.  Even so, it's still different than in college where after different events or gatherings, people would hang out together and have extended times of fellowship.  After church, I just go home.  After Friday night fellowship, I'm typically exhausted and just go home and sleep.  It's also been much more difficult to keep trying to stay in the word and to keep reading.  Often I'm tired from work and just want to relax, and it prevents me from really focusing on reading and studying God's word.

2.  I'm being stretched culturally.  This may sound kind of silly, but the more I think of it, the more I realize that I've never been outside a predominantly Asian/Chinese culture most of my life.  I had Chinese family friends, I went to Chinese school, I had Chinese friends in elementary, middle, and high school, I went to a Chinese church, and I went to an Asian fellowship in college.  It's quite a big transition now going onto a predominantly white church where I'm one of only a very select few Asian people in the church.  You wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal, but there is still a bit of a cultural gap between the people I meet and myself.  There are just certain differences that make it difficult to connect with people and to feel a part of the community.  No matter how "American" I seem or how I shouldn't see things as racial differences, there is still a tension that exists.

3.  I'm being stretched out of my comfort zone.  It's not particularly easy for me to make friends, and I'm pretty shy by nature.  I haven't had the easiest time trying to make friends past a surface level of just knowing who people are and knowing their names.  It's particularly difficult when it's a church/Christian context, and you would hope that other people in the fellowship/Church would invite you to things and want to hang out with you, but they don't.  It makes me really aware of the importance of really "reaching out" and not in the sense of "I talked to him/her and know his/her name" but to actually invite them to something, invite them to hang out with you, to grab a meal, or to have a deeper one-on-one conversation that's more meaningful.  So far I've had a lot of, "What's your name?"  "Where do you work again?"  "How long have you been here?"  "So how's everything going?" but I haven't really had anyone invite me or talk to me about anything more personal.

4.  I'm being stretched at work.  As you can probably imagine, work is very different from school.  The decisions you make actually have large impacts, and often they are monetary impacts.  The responsibility is much greater, because instead of simply receiving a bad grade, it actually means something that could impact the company, profits, or even someone's safety or well-being.  I definitely feel like I don't know very much, and I know I will continue to feel that way for a very long time.  I've heard it takes anywhere from 6 months to a 1 year to really feel comfortable at your job, and because it's my very first job, it's probably even more difficult.  Often times I'm confronted with situations at work where I simply have no idea what to do, or I'm asked questions that I feel like I should know the answer to, but I don't.  I have to continually ask questions and try to understand my work and how things work in the company.  In school, most of the time you can just rely on yourself and go to office hours occasionally when you need extra help.  At work, most of the time you can't do things on your own and you have to seek others for help.  This combined with my shy nature makes it an even bigger stretch.

5.  I'm being stretched emotionally.  It's been quite a big transition moving all the way from Michigan, away from my parents, away from all my friends, and away from Iris.  Emotionally, there are times when it's just really hard feeling like all your friends are far away and the people who love you the most aren't there.  Part of that is because I really haven't made any friends yet here in California, but another part is simply the truth that my family and my fiancee are about two thousand miles away.  I can call every day and try to talk to them as much as I can, but it's still different from seeing them face to face, interacting with them personally, and being with them.  That combined with all my close friends being in Michigan makes me feel extremely stretched at times, and just wish I could be back at "home."

So what does all this mean?  I think ultimately, I'm being stretched in so many different ways and in so many different directions that sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap.  But really I think what is happening is that God is shaping me and molding me in so many amazing ways that I wouldn't have been able to experience had I not moved to California.  I could have been really comfortable living in Michigan.  I could have seen my parents and Iris almost every weekend, visited my friends at UM, and just felt right at home.  Instead I'm being stretched continuously in ways I have never been stretched before, and rather than feeling sad and disappointed, I understand how I'm really growing and understanding God's love and the gospel more and more.

I'm learning how to love others more, especially those who are different from me.  I'm learning how to really push myself to grow spiritually even when it's easy to just not do anything about it.  I'm learning how to "leave one's father and mother" and rely on God's strength and provision and not theirs.  I'm learning how to grow in love for Iris even though she's far away and it takes a lot of purposeful pursuit. I'm learning how to break past cultural barriers and enter into God's kingdom regardless of ethnicity. I'm learning how to get out of my comfort zone and pursue friendships despite my timidness. I'm learning how to not rely on myself at work and trust in the gifts God has given me

I'm learning ultimately that God is bigger than everything, and in stretching me I feel a lot of stress, tension, and pain, but because of it He is helping me to grow in ways I could have never imagined.

Never Forget Where You Came From

The title of this post alludes to my feeling so far being in California.  I have realized that this phrase, "never forget where you came from" has had true significance to me here.  Although people talk up California a lot and how amazing it is, I never realized how much I would miss Michigan and how out of place I would feel here.  There's just something about not seeing a Meijer, or a Kroger, that makes me miss back home.  Every time I see something that reminds me of Michigan, I can't help but feel like I'm away from home.  In many ways, I am.  In many ways, I always will be.

That being said, I have really enjoyed my time here in California.  I started work last Monday, and I can tell that I'm going to really enjoy my job.  Although right now, it's quite overwhelming and I realize I know close to nothing.  I know I'm going to have a lot of responsibility, being in charge of the very first unit in the refinery (meaning everything that comes out of my unit affects everything we make in the refinery), and I know I'm going to have to make a lot of decisions off of very little knowledge.  It will be humbling when people ask me questions and I don't know the answer, but I'm excited for the challenge and excited to be given the opportunity to succeed by being surrounded with really nice people who are willing to help.

Last Wednesday, our group did a "team building" experience and went bike riding in Napa Valley.  It was a really fun experience, getting to know other members of the team, and simply biking in the beautiful Napa Valley.  The scenery was amazing, the wine was good (Baldacci and Clos du Val), and I got paid to do it!  Over the weekend, I ended up playing basketball with one of my colleagues (who is Chinese, and is also a Christian), and he later had me over for dinner.  We had a really good conversation about what it's like being Chinese in the workplace, and what it's like being a Christian.  It gave me really good perspective on the cultural and spiritual differences that take place and how that can make working life difficult.  I was so thankful though to be able to meet with a fellow brother and also thankful that he was Chinese.

On Sunday, I ended up going to his church which is a Chinese church called Contra Costa Gospel Church. Originally I was planning on going to a different church, but it worked out well for me because Steve (my colleague) was able to introduce me to a lot of people.  I was able to meet a few of the young adults, and I will actually be going to a BBQ/pool party tomorrow for the 4th of July to hang out with them.  It was quite a blessing to meet some young adults, and to simply be at church and to worship was something I really needed.  Reflecting on all the emotions of moving and transitioning, it was one of the few times that I actually shed some tears during the worship service.

Later on Sunday, I went to sort of an AIV reunion with some older folks from AIV.  Arthur, Jenny, Steven, Enid and her husband Eric, and Michelle Liang.  It was a lot of fun; we BBQ'ed, went to a park and played home run derby, ate craw fish at Craw Daddy, and then went to play at an elementary school play structure. 

All that being said, even with all the exciting opportunities and times I've had in just a week or so in California, I can't help but miss Michigan, and feel like I'm still "not at home."  That's why I've titled this post "never forget where you came from."  There's a part of me (a large part) that will always remember Michigan as home.  I lived there for about 18 years of my life, virtually all of my friends are there, my parents are there, and it's a part of who I am.  I get the feeling that even if I live in California the rest of my life, I will always consider myself a Michigan native, no matter what.

Additionally, however, in the bigger picture the phrase "never forget where you came from" has different implications. It stems from the fact that I'll always have this unsettling feeling while I'm out here, not because necessarily I miss Michigan or I don't like living in California, but because this is not where my home is.  Philippians 3:20 says, "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."  Ultimately I know this unsettling feeling, this feeling of longing to be back in Michigan and to be with my friends, has in some ways little to do with the fact that I actually miss Michigan.  It has more to do with the fact that I'm looking for a place where I belong, and I don't feel like I belong in California.  However, I don't really belong in Michigan either.  I belong in heaven, with Jesus Christ.

It's unsettling, in some ways very unsettling, but in a sense it's also extremely freeing.  It means that no matter how much I search for a "home" here, I'll ultimately never find it.  The only home that I have is in Christ.  And luckily, Christ has blessed me with his Spirit to give me comfort until I see him face to face.  It doesn't mean that being here isn't difficult, or that I don't miss being "home," but it does mean that I know I have a place that I belong, a place that I will one day truly call home. 

For now, I guess I'll just have to deal with being in California.

Growing Pains

Growing up is hard.

I thought it would be a piece of cake.  I transitioned from High School to College, I mean how much more difficult could it be?  To make it worse, I didn't even realize it until my parents left yesterday night.  Then it hit me like a truck.

I'm alone.

Not alone in the sense that I have no friends I can call or talk to, or that I can't simply call my parents.  But for the first time, I am in a completely new state, with no close friends nearby, away from my parents, and living completely by myself.  In college I started out at the dorm, where my meals were cooked for me and everything was paid for so I didn't have to worry about expenses or anything like that.  When I moved to an apartment, my roommates were always around and I could talk to them or I was always with friends at school.  Now I'm living by myself (my roommate is still in Europe and will be coming back 7/14), paying for everything myself (someone my age should not normally be thinking about 401(K)'s or pension plans), and making REAL decisions.  Not the college decisions like, should I stay up past midnight playing super smash bros, but REAL decisions like, What kind of medical insurance should I get?  What doctor should I chose?  How should I invest my money for the future?

For some reason, the work seems a bit more overwhelming too.  As an intern, my responsibilities were limited.  I had a couple projects I was working on, had a specific deadline, and I knew I would be done after 12 weeks.  Now I'm in charge of two units in the refinery, which are at the very beginning of the line (meaning almost everything we make comes through my units), and I'm here... indefinitely.  I haven't even gotten into the nitty gritty of the job yet.

All this being sad, I've had a really difficult transition.  I felt it a little bit once I got here, but my parents were still around and a part of me still felt like I was on vacation or at home.  However, this time my parents just left without me, and I'm stuck in a foreign place, with no one I really know and close to I can talk to.

Everyone always asked me if I had friends/family in California and why I was moving there.  I figured since it was a job offer and California is such a nice place, it wouldn't be so bad.  Now I'm convinced that this has truly been a test from God, a reminder that I cannot do this on my own.  That apart from God, I can do nothing.  But with him, I can do anything.  California is a reminder to me that the only reason I am here is because God wants me to be here. It's a reminder for me to rely on God's strength and not my own.

It's a test that I'm supposed to fail, in order to "win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."